If you see any spelling or grammatical errors I would prefer you to send me a private message rather than leave it in a comment.  And just keep the negative ones to yourself.  I'm pretty sensitive about my writing.  Enjoy.

“Breathe.  Just breathe,” Jill told me in her most maternal tone.  I picked a focal point in her office and focused on it until my vision corrected itself.  I stared at that picture of us from a Halloween party six years ago until my eyes begged me to blink.

Life was simple back then.  We were two 23-year-olds fresh out of college with the world at our feet only waiting to pull the rug out from under us once we got too comfortable.   Jill had spent the last two years of college working towards her master’s in Psychology while I flitted around from major to major until I finally settled on Journalism. When it came to majors, I felt like I had seen it all.  I tried out Physical Therapy and I tinkered in Secondary Education. One semester I even dabbled in funeral services purely out of curiosity.  But there we were, trapped in that single moment in time.  In that photo, we were so bright eyed and bushy tailed.  We were just anxious to get out and see what the real world had to offer us.  Who knew the real world would make Thumbelina and Tinkerbell so irreversibly screwed up? 

“There you go.  All better?”  My best friends voice pulled me back to the present and I finally felt composed enough to pull my head out from between my knees.  Jill continued to rub my back while I focused on my breathing techniques. In…..and out.  In…..and out.  Easier said than done when a vice is gripping at your lungs. 

“Okay, now why don’t we just have a seat over here...“ 

“No.  Absolutely not,” I interrupted.  “You know how I feel about the couch.”

“I know, Lena, but right now you’re sitting in my chair at my desk and my phone has rung three times since you’ve been in here.  I have other patients, you know.”

“I know.  I’m sorry.  I’m sorry for cutting in on your busy schedule and I’m sorry for calling you at 2 AM when I can’t seem to say no to the Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough ice cream in my freezer.  I’m sorry for having one of these spells when you have patients, not other patients because that implies that I am one of your patients even though God knows you would never let me pay you for a session, who are worse off than I am.  I’m sorry for being so selfish and spilling this all out at your feet when you never let me do the same for you.  I just don’t have anyone else to turn to.”

As she looked at me her expression softened around the edges.  She smiled a tired sort of smile, one that changed her mouth but never quite reached her eyes.  “I know, Lena.  I know.  Give me just a sec.”  She reached around me to her phone on the other side of her desk, “Jenny? Please hold me calls.”  She met my eyes as she said, “I’m in a very important meeting.”  “Thank you,” I silently mouthed to her before she hung up the phone.  “Okay now.  Why don’t you take me back to where it all started?”  And so I did.

Happy Halloween :)

 

 

This week has been crazy for me and it will only get worse. Sunday night, my stores assistant manager, Dan, asked me to come finish his shift because his dad was in a motorcycle wreck. I went in, of course, and Mike, his 32 year old bff automatically started being an ass to me. He's still bitter that I got promoted over him. Here's a tip Mike: if you want a promotion, don't steal from work and buy weed while you're on the clock AND come in high for every shift!!!

My dads receptionist/dental assistant is in the hospital with pneumonia and she's not doing so well. My mom is the hygienist but she has to shedule her patients around my dads patients so she can assist him if he needs it. And they're both too busy to answer the phones. I worked there two days last week and I'll be working there again tomorrow afternoon. BBV 9-12, dads office 12:30-5 back to BBV 7-11:30. I switched with Dan Thursday so he'll open the store and I'll close which allows me to work at my dads office from 8-5.

And in the midsts of all this work I have 30 cupcakes and 2 cakes to bake/decorate. Got the second pan of cupcakes in the oven now. Yeesh!

I should start my story by telling you that Fred is dressing up like Octo-Mom for Halloween. Last year he was pre-trimspa Anna Nichole Smith. We went shopping at a Halloween warehouse a few weeks ago to find him a wig. His sense of humor is one of the reasons why he is one of my best friends.

My sister called me yesterday to ask if they carried a certain type of costume. A Playboy Bunny costume.

"Sure they have plenty of stuff like that," I said. "Walk towards the back wall and turn right. That should take you to the skanky whores section." =D

Do you think Halloween gives girls a free pass to dress in scandelous attire?

My eyes are flooded with tears as I race around my room.  "Out of sight, out of mind"  I say to myself, lying.  "Just get everything and shut it up in the closet."  I am astounded by how many knick-knacks I saved over the past two years.  I try not to let my memory travel back to the past when all of these things meant the world to me.  I grab my empty hamper and start tossing things in;  my fire fighter build-a-bear, the fire bell alarm clock I bought him for our two year anniversary; the anniversary we didn't make it to.  I knew the guys at the station would have gotten a kick out of it.  I see the tea cup candles he bought me when I was sick so I could "take a candle-lit bubble bath and drink chicken soup."  I see the red stick of my pepper spray key chain he bought me after I was harassed at work.  He was always concerned about my safety after that.

"In you go,"  I say aloud as I toss in several dozen photos, suddenly realizing that my sanity is a thing of the past.  As I thumb through the hundreds of movie stubs, I come across a fortune.  Yes, the kind from a cookie.  "Don't give up.  The best is yet to come."  Honestly, cookie, must you be so vague?!  Give up on what?  Should I not give up on him? On us?  Should we give it another try and hope things work out differently this time around? 

I take a second, sit on my hideously pink worn down carpet, and slowly curl into myself.  The pain becomes surreal and the blackness reaches down to grab me.  My breathing becomes more rapid and my chest constricts.  I feel the pain, the loneliness, the ache that only a broken heart can give through every atom of my being.  I lie there and sob silently to myself for a few minutes.  I could never let anyone see me like this.  I'm far too strong.

Little by little I catch my breath and let reality come back into focus.  This is NOT the end of the world.  He's just a boy.  A silly boy that didn't know what a good thing he had.  An arrogant boy that took advantage of my sweet and kind disposition over and over again.  A stupid boy that put his car before his longtime girlfriend one too many times.  He is just a boy.  Just a boy that broke my heart.  Just a boy that I would die for.

I believe in Divine intervention and I believe that everything happens for a reason.  Maybe my fortune doesn't mean that I shouldn't give up on our relationship.  Maybe my fortune means I shouldn't give up on me.  On breathing.  On love.  I can't tell which one it is right now but it is comforting to know that things will get better.  It's good to know that "the best is yet to come."